The "Good" News
Being a mother is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my life! I am blessed to have received the “good news” twice :) When I came to know about it during my first pregnancy, needless to say I was on cloud nine. My searches were full of pregnancy queries right from which apps to download, the ultrasound, doctor visit questions, cravings, maternity clothes to preparing for the new arrival and what not! This world of pregnancy painted a nice picture around me that was full of happiness, feeling of being blessed and feeling of positivity. I was busy getting pampered, enjoying every bit of my pregnancy trying to prepare for the little one, happily being receptive to tons of advice coming from everyone I knew. They told me about how to prepare for delivery, about restless nights, about endless changing diapers, about everything from what my diet should be to how to handle the new one and how our life is going to be changed forever.
I delivered my healthy baby boy in September 2015. Soon after that long lasting extremely painful labor, we were discharged and we started adjusting to this new life with our little one. Everything was supposed to be hunky-dory. I was that blessed momma who was supposed to be very happy seeing my little one smiling in my lap, singing lullaby to him and listening to his cooing sounds...
But something was off. I was not that. I was in fact very much opposite of what I thought I was supposed to be. My heart was full of love for my little one, mind full of gratitude for the almighty who helped me survive this critical process and landing both of us in a healthy state. But my thoughts, feelings and emotions were saying something else. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and most importantly extremely sad and empty inside. It was as if I was having a vacuum in my tummy that was sucking all of my happiness and energy. My days passed taking care of the baby with this empty mechanical feeling and evenings were much scarier. Initially I spent most of them in tears trying to fight this weird battle within me. I was trying hard to be fresh, to be happy, to be grateful that I am a mother now and to try and make the most of it for my baby. I used to tell myself that these days won't last too long, he will grow fast and I will then repent spending my time this way.
But something was off. I was not that. I was in fact very much opposite of what I thought I was supposed to be. My heart was full of love for my little one, mind full of gratitude for the almighty who helped me survive this critical process and landing both of us in a healthy state. But my thoughts, feelings and emotions were saying something else. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and most importantly extremely sad and empty inside. It was as if I was having a vacuum in my tummy that was sucking all of my happiness and energy. My days passed taking care of the baby with this empty mechanical feeling and evenings were much scarier. Initially I spent most of them in tears trying to fight this weird battle within me. I was trying hard to be fresh, to be happy, to be grateful that I am a mother now and to try and make the most of it for my baby. I used to tell myself that these days won't last too long, he will grow fast and I will then repent spending my time this way.
It was not too long before I realized that something is not right. I started talking about it. I ended up receiving cliche advice:
“Being a mom is not easy. You are going through a lot of postpartum recovery pain, slowly everything will be fine..”
“Giving birth is like a rebirth of a mother. It is tough, it is expected to exhaust you. I am sure you will do great..”
“Why should you be sad out of all? You just received the best gift of your life. There are many out there who are longing for it and you are the one not realizing what you have..”
All of this was not helping, it was making things worse. And as expected I ended up in the worst possible state - Somewhere in my mind I was blaming myself that maybe I am not a good mother, maybe I should not have taken this decision. My family was being extremely supportive but it was still not fixing the core issue.
It all lasted for 6 weeks at the end of which I went for my postpartum checkup. I was surprised to receive a sheet full of questions that I was trying to answer all these days on my own. There were those questions, right in front of me - all of those I was going to answer Yes to. Those were about the feeling of doing nothing, anxiety, sadness etc. I filled those out and went for my checkup. My gyn asked me:
“Are you aware of PPD or baby blues?”
“No. What is that?”
“Postpartum depression or baby blues?”
“Umm. No. I have not heard about it”
“All those questions that you answered right now, your score indicates that you are either having baby blues or suffering through PPD”
There was silence in the room. I was confused and scared. The word “depression” had sent a nervous chill down the spine that I was unable to hide.
My gyn comforted me.
There was silence in the room. I was confused and scared. The word “depression” had sent a nervous chill down the spine that I was unable to hide.
My gyn comforted me.
“It is nothing to worry about. 70-80% of new mothers suffer through mood swings, negative feelings, anxiety during the first few weeks of the delivery. We often refer to these as baby blues. When baby blues last for a while, they do not go away even after your recovery and you seem to see these symptoms consistently, you should get checked for PPD and get treated as needed.” She continued..
“It is different for every woman. Some have anxiety, some have fear of losing their loved ones, some panic for small reasons whereas some get annoyed frequently. In the worst case women can also feel like harming themselves or the baby. Are you having any of those?”
“No, I love my baby and I want to live for him. I just feel sad, empty and anxious most of the time”
“I think you are going through baby blues. Let us monitor and try to go over some of the things that will help you with it”
She handed over some pamphlets and articles about baby blues and PPD and informed us about the classes offered at their faculty for new moms and dads to educate them about the same. We left. I was in shock. It was too much to digest. My husband had already browsed through multiple articles on our way. We had to work on it together, he said. We were already having a good protocol on taking care of the baby and household chores. We had divided our responsibilities equally. But it needed some changes.
I was slowly getting aware of what was happening and had to work on helping myself through it. I attended the class, talked to the counsellor without being scared. I had to change some habits. Had to stop being harsh on myself and others around me for not being perfect through this time. Had to stop wanting to take care of the baby all by myself. I started taking time out of my day to disconnect from this exhausting life and to rest. Even if I was not doing anything. Started to take that walk, do my exercise as I saw fit. Started to give some bottle feeds to the baby during night to take full rest. Started to put my thoughts and todos together as that helped me. Most importantly I stopped feeling guilty. I started enjoying the fact that we are trying our best and we are good parents. I gave up the feeling that being a new mom means I need to give full attention to my baby and need to be there for him all the time. It is okay if we can not do some things, it is okay if everything is not perfect. I started trusting my family more with the baby. I got comfortable with the fact that it is completely okay if I took some time to be myself and do routine things I always used to. It is okay if we do not follow some advice that was too hard for us to stick to. My husband, my family helped me through it. Once we all were aware of what was happening, everyone was receptive of the fact that we had to work on it together.
It slowly got better. I was fortunate enough to not witness PPD. But being aware of the same helped me understand what other new mommas around me might be going through. Being aware of this helped me a big deal during my second pregnancy to recover fairly quickly and to know that it is normal to feel this way. It helped me to understand what can be done and what needs to be avoided during this time. Throughout my first pregnancy, I kept receiving tons of advice from people around me. No one.. no one however gave me any advice on what baby blues are, what PPD is. What I might face postpartum and how to deal with it in case it happens.
We often tend to talk about “positive” things with a pregnant woman. Most of the time the intention is not to scare someone or have a bad impact on the baby. But I would definitely like to share this experience with my friends in order to make everyone aware of what baby blues or PPD is. It is not negative to talk about it. It is a good thing to spread awareness about it. If not anything, it will for sure help any new mom going through it and will help her not feel guilty about her motherhood.
Being a mother is truly the world's best thing and if you end up suffering through this, it is part and parcel of the blessing. It makes you stronger as a mother and being aware of it will definitely prepare you the best for your postpartum phase. So if you are an expecting momma, if you are a new mom going through something like I described above or if you know expecting moms around, please take time to search about baby blues and PPD. Please take some time to be aware of those and help whatever way you can.
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